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Reflections on my second sober Christmas, and how I did it. 

Guest Author: Michelle Gil 

At the time of writing this, I am flying home to what has been my 2nd sober Christmas. The road getting here has been a bit crooked, full of stops and starts and very big feelings. This is how I did it. 

So that you know, I fluffed my first sober Christmas in 2020. That terrible pandemic Christmas got the best of me. I had a few wobbles and crashes that holiday season. I got straight back on the horse in January. My second Christmas (last year) was all about not drinking and doing everything not to drink – including emergency folding of washing to get out the fray when the champagne got uncorked! It was tense, full of overthinking and anticipating potential landmines everywhere. I had a plan. I had sober buddies on standby and was coached by a lovely American how to ˈdo itˈ. I had my therapist in the wings just in case anything went wrong…and I did it! My first sober Christmas! My brain got to see what a Christmas can look like without alcohol. It was hard. I tried to take in the wonder of what was happening around me with my kids, but I was simply all in, and didn’t want to bugger it up. 

So here I am coming through my second Christmas, sober. This year wasn’t any effort to “stay sober.” I am on the other side in this strange land, living sobriety and it not being a struggle. Sobriety is really in the muscle.

So, how did I get here, exactly? I am wondering this as much as you. 

This is what I did this year.

• Gel polish manicure. Painting my nails has been a huge part of my mental health journey. Normally I have standard polish manicures, but during Christmas we are usually travelling, washing dishes, carrying heavy luggage, I like them to look beautiful and intact when I come home. It’s a visual reminder of where I am going… literally a more levelled-up, more polished version of me. I’m looking at my hands all the time, and, these days my hands are wrapped around a mug rather than a wine glass. My brain has made the association. 

• I gave what I wanted to receive. I like calls and messages, and I like conversation with my family, no matter how challenging I sometimes find them. I decided that this was going to be my attitude going into the Xmas season, and so this is what I did: whenever I got the feeling of: “Oh, she is quiet,” or “why hasn’t so and so called,” instead of feeding those thoughts, I made the call first, I texted first. Not because the relationship is healthy or brings me joy, but because I did not want to feel deprived of connection and thinking in terms of lack…This attitude fed my drinking for years and years. This year I let go of making myself feel so isolated. It’s not necessary.   

• I kept my routine and didn’t “relax.” I washed dishes, took out trash… on Christmas day I cleaned the bathroom! Because I like to clean and because it keeps me out of the wobbles. 

• The idea that one day I will have a family that functions… I let that ship sail. I have accepted that I will never have a family that functions properly. But I can keep my connections with them on my terms, always checking in on my comfort levels and boundaries, always always. This one was hard. I love my family, but they are very emotionally unhealthy. I can see that now after recovery.

• I was able to speak to and laugh with my mom, dad and step-mother for the first time in many years. No tension or sadness. I wasn’t terse nor tense. I was relaxed and grateful that they are still alive and I am in a place where I can say Merry Christmas and mean it. It has taken a bit of therapy for me to get here. I’m terrified of therapists and the power they hold, but a year and half plus on, let me tell you, the process is magic. I don’t feel so shit about them. I could just say Merry Christmas and let it stand on its own with no 20yr baggage behind that. 

That is itself is amazing. 

• My husband is busy with his MBA. He, quite naturally is very disconnected to what’s going on around him, especially with me. I have had to learn to lower my voice and not electrify the atmosphere every time he does something that annoys me. Now that I am aware of this, I can work on it. I am not perfect, but I am certainly much better. His responses to my requests are lot more generous (go figure!) I have been able to keep my personal electric field clear. This is largely due to the fact that I have outside support – I have Georgia’s support group, another support group and my therapist. I have a container for my strong feelings that don’t spill over onto my more vulnerable ones (hubby and kids). 

• Whilst all of that has been going on my heart, I also took the opportunity to connect with my kids. Prior to our vacation we did cookie baking and card making. I didn’t get upset when they didn’t want to finish the card activity. And when we got to the mountains, I made an effort to talk more and “be with” my kids. This is itself was priceless. One evening after dinner I said, “mommy needs a hug” and they both jumped up to give me a giant bear hug each… something I have never experienced and will remember to my grave; it made me so happy! 

If you are reading this and think: “Wow the girl writing this is made out of different stuff,” you are wrong. I am just like you. I keep trying and make mistakes along the way, I talk about my feelings and receive feedback and keep going. This is how sobriety works. Going into the festive season, I took responsibility where I was told to. I know at times my reactions are too strong, and they are disempowering because it narrows my options. I know my tone with my husband is off-putting. I can fix that. I focus on me and what I can do differently and not worry about the others and what they are doing or not doing. 

I am happy and grateful to have unearthed my power. I didn’t see it at first. This is where it lies: how I think, feel and react. I get to feed my choices with a positive hue, to push through the cloud of negativity I have been hiding under all my life. This cloud has robbed me of my power so much. 

I wasn’t able to see any of this with a wine glass in my hand. Keep showing up, keep making mistakes, and one day, you will wind up in a calm, free place you never thought possible. Sobriety is a gift for you too!