Do People Pleasers Have Weak Personalities?
Article by guest author Michelle Gil
I had to pause when I saw this caption on an IG scroll. Hmmm. People pleasing. Why does it get us into trouble, run gambit with our anxiety and turn people off? Even worse, as this article suggests, leaves us with zero personality. This self-sabotaging behaviour is a sneaky little sh*t. It’s best to be rid of it… but first, how do we know we have it? Where does it come from exactly? And what can we do about it.
People pleasing background
Where does personality and character come from? No surprise here, its principally shaped in childhood. The parent – child dynamic and immediate environment as the main influencers. Many of us were trained as children to ease tension, minimise problems, fix others, help others, plan and deal with household logistics, take on more than what was age-appropriate, worry about everything; the list goes on. To play this very efficient, well defined, quickly punished, easily ignored role in our families – we lost the opportunity to develop our own character – because, well, to survive in our families we had to adapt, perform and satisfy in line with what the adults around us needed at the time. This is the root of people-pleasing behaviour. Other focussed for our sense of safety. The thoughts we tack on, the reasons behind why we do what we do… It’s unconscious. These behaviours are formed well before we understood ‘benign’ manipulation like: guilt tripping, dropping hints, crying, anger, ‘going quiet’… if you know, you know!
If you grew up on a home like this, you are likely to constantly be nit-picking the negative. What is going wrong, what you are doing wrong, what everyone is doing wrong…constantly self-analysing and self crictising. This leaves an awful grey cloud over your head, that you find respite from in people pleasing. If I do something right, and the other person’s reaction is positive, if they are happy with me, this means that all is fine with me, and my world is ok, I’m ok. This dance between what is going wrong and what I am doing right in the eyes of others is a dangerous place to be. You are ripe for being manipulated.
What to do as a healthy adult
If this is you, be mindful that changing is tricky business with many potholes along the way (hello fear and self-sabotage). With consistent effort, your people pleasing tendencies will get smaller and smaller and make way for more a larger, fuller version of life that you don’t know exists yet.
Things to remember as you start your journey:
- Accept that people will get upset with you if you want something different to them. This does not mean you are rude of selfish. This means that you want different things. Be ok with adult tantrums and other nasty things. This is all childhood conditioning. You’ll be ok.
- Setting boundaries with people feels like microaggression in the beginning. You will live, and no, you are not a psycho, harming others, even though it feels like it. You are learning to protect your space, time and energy – this is a learnt skill, give it time.
- Keep an eye on reducing that grey cloud. Always focus on what is going right vs what is going wrong. Before bed, write down 5 things that went well in the day. Soon you will see more sunshine than grey. Trust the process and be consistent.
- I used to wear my past resentments like jewellery. I chose to work with a therapist to change the tape going on in my mind. This work you can only do with a therapist. There is no way around that, unfortunately. Mindset work is mirror and attachment work. No book, course, vacation can grow you like the work you will do with a trained therapist. Take the plunge and sign up. You wont regret it.
The personality part
Write down 4 good traits and 4 not so nice traits that you would like to shift an work on.
Let’s use mine for this exercise:
- I’m organised
- I’m kind
- I have learnt to trust my feelings (a new strength I discovered in support groups and in therapy)
- I’m perceptive
And then the not so nice ones
- I overreact and over retaliate when in disagreement with others
- I am sensitive (and have victim-y thoughts all the time)
- Take things personally (I’m not nearly as bad before going alcohol-free) Learning not to sulk and problem solve, being more solutions orientated and teach my brain to focus on what is going right vs what is going wrong.
- Learning to trust others and take calculated risks with people… with new and old people In my life.
How to do it
With these traits in mind, you will start to recognise when you are doing ‘the same old thing.’ As you get stronger at managing triggers and old thought patterns, you’ll be able to override the ‘same old thing’ with something new. As you respond differently, you are growing in the direction of your new song on the new tape. I keep reminding myself of my good qualities and work on my not-so-great ones with lots of understanding and compassion, especially when I bugger up. Doing this has brought me closer to the people that I love. I have a more balanced relationship with myself now that I stay away from extreme thinking and choosing how I respond. People pleasing (and reacting to others) keeps us locked in a very small place. As we experiment with different ways how to show up in the world, our confidence grows. This ‘new person’ will naturally seek out new experiences. Others’ reactions take up less importance. We finally learn that that’s about them; it never had anything to do with us. Personality is the opposite of people pleasing. We learn to be busy discovering what we want from this world, the good we bring, our qualities, a new way of being in relationships, and what direction the universe is taking us in… nothing weak about that!
